Well, I figured it is time for an update.
It’s been almost a year since the last Sunday reflection and it’s time to bring them back.
I stopped them for 2 reasons:
- I was writing my book which is faith based and honestly took all my “faith writing” out of me since it is a lot of work.
- I was healing my relationship with food and I was trying to really focus on that and only do the “other things” that I really needed to do.
Today is the “Sunday reflections” that I’ve been hoping to write for nearly a decade.
I have written many times in these posts how I struggled with food so much. How I wanted freedom. How I wanted to truly live my live for God and not for what my body looks like or how many calories I did or didn’t eat.
And, you guys have been amazingly supportive.
John 8:36 says “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
Today, I can finally write the words: I am free.
I’ve spent the last year really working on my poor relationship with food. Which has looked like increasing the amount I eat by A LOT and quitting the weighing, measuring and tracking of foods and trusting that my body will figure it out.
Trusting that GOD designed my body to know what it needs and He doesn’t make mistakes. So, my body is not a mistake and it is not a mistake if it is hungry. I don’t need to feel scared or guilty or shameful about that.
It means I gave up working out for 9 WHOLE MONTHS. I used to never be able to miss ONE DAY or I felt like I would gain weight overnight.
I knew that the way that I was exercising was not God honoring and not taking care of God’s temple because of the obsessive nature that I was doing it. So, I knew if I wanted true freedom, I had to give it up.
So, I did.
Instead of my morning workouts, I used that time to spend time with God. To drink my coffee and do my devotional and think about how He needs to be first in my life, not my body or my fitness goals or the food I eat.
Has it been the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Yes.
But it’s also strengthened my relationship with God and with myself.
Sure, I gained weight. But, I needed to.
I got my period back. My body is now functioning, and lab work now shows a body that is healthy, not starving and shutting down.
I lost my abs. But I gained my life.
No longer am I crying out to God every single day begging Him to set me free, because He did.
It wasn’t in the timing I wanted – I wanted it to happen a LONG time ago – but it happened now and I trust that was His plan and His timing for a reason.
It happened right as I was about to write my book. And, I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
As of last month, I am back at the gym. Slowly, but surely. Moving my body in a way that feels good and is taking care of God’s temple instead of a way that is abusing it.
And I can finally tell you, I feel good.
I feel happy and healthy and whole.
I feel loved and closer to Christ.
Of course, some days are hard. Some days I don’t recognize this new body. Some days, I feel far from God. But, I think that is part of just being on this Earth, in a place that is not our final home.
But, most days?
I feel free.