I’m really nervous to share this post with you guys.
But you said you wanted some more faith or real life posts, so here it goes. Today, I’m going to be 100% vulnerable and real with you guys. So, there won’t be the usual funny anecdotes and random ramblings (just warning you so you can turn back now if you wish.) I’ve talked a little bit about my struggles and messed up relationship with food (and I talked A LOT about it HERE.) And it’s definitely gotten better but, it’s still pretty messed up.
To be honest with you, if I could write a book about my life it would be called “How to be RIDICULOUSLY (probably unattractively) lean and be a really un-fun human.” That describes my life. If you’ve been around FFF long enough, you’ll remember that there were a number of years before I met Mr.FFF where I was on a very strict, weighing out all my food, calorie-obsessed diet.
Since meeting him, I have been going on and off my diet “plan” and trying to teach myself how to just eat intuitively, since I know what food is, and isn’t, healthy. Each time I have failed. I’ve lost weight because I was too afraid that I would go crazy not being on a “plan” and just gain eleventy million pounds.
So, I just subconsciously ate less and didn’t listen to my hunger.
I was on a “plan” until I quit my job to do this thang full time a few weeks back. Being on a strict daily calorie intake, and trying to develop and test recipes, and make it all somehow fit into my “calorie box” was just too stressful.
I thought I was ready.
It’s been really hard guys. I mean, it’s been easier than before because I now KNOW that I tend to eat “on the side of caution” which I am no longer doing. But, I am still struggling with secretly trying to plan what I will eat all day, so I make sure to not eat too much, even if I am hungry. And, the whole point of intuitive eating is to listen to your body and trust that it knows what it needs and when. If you’re eating healthy (which I do – for the most part 🙂 ) then the calories will work themselves out, as long as you listen to your body.
Well, the whole listening thing is really hard. And I 1. Feel like a hypocrite because I preach all this moderation and not being obsessed with calories here on FFF, but I can’t live it out. I truly do believe what I preach in my head, I’m just having a hard time letting go of my past tendencies, and putting it into action.
2. I feel like I’m failing God. I wish I could just trust that he designed this body to know what it needs, and that I need to nourish it as such. I know that I am not living the full life he designed for me, and that I am not the happy Taylor that I used to be long ago, back when I didn’t know what a calorie was.
Like I said in my book title, when I am in “calorie counting land” I am the most un-fun human ever. And, Mr. FFF has only seen glimpses of what life with me COULD be like. And, I wish I could give him that all the time.
That is actually one of the many reasons why I LOVE writing this blog. When I write, I get to zone out of “calorie counting land” for a few minutes and be the true, goofy taylor. It’s such a nice mental break for me. I want that all the time. I know what I need to do in my head…and my head is ready. But the rest of me is too scared.
Will I gain weight? Will I hate what I look like? Will I be unhappy….er?
Realistically, I know that I won’t. And this way of life hasn’t brought me joy. So, why do I keep living it? I just don’t know. This is getting long and you’re probably wondering why I am telling you all of this:
- So, if you struggle with similar stuff, you know that you’re not alone.
- So maybe you’ll keep me in your prayers as I try to learn to take a leap of faith and trust that God’s life for me is better.
‘Cause whoever said that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” was a liar. Skinny? It feels crappy.
I want healthy.
I want to change the book title.
“How to be healthy, fit and have the most fun and happy life ever.”
Sorry it that was deep. Sometime I just need to get stuff off my chest. I promise to lighten it up tomorrow! xoxo
Oh and on a lighter note – don’t forget to enter the 1000$ cash giveaway!