Sunday reflections time!
This week’s reflection is based off another devotion I did from Proverbs31.org called “Give It a Rest.” <— click that to read the whole devotional.
Basically, the author talked about how she was always busy, and when she wasn’t busy she felt restless and not at ease.
Which is totally me. Every morning I wake up at 4:30-5am and I plan out what I am going to do at EVERY hour until I go to bed at 10. And usually there is only 1 hour at night of free time for TV or book reading…anything that I could consider “me time.”
And you know what? During that one hour TV show, I’m checking the email on my phone, scrolling through Instagram to respond to comments…the list goes on.
Really, I’m just busy. Even when I’m “not.”
The devo goes on to say the author hated the pace, but needed it.
Which is also me. When I’m not doing something, I feel like I’m falling behind because surely there is SOMETHING that NEEDS to be done, and I should be doing it right then!
Rest and spend time for myself? That’s a terrible thing to do. Well, that’s what I tell myself.
BUT, what really struck me was the realization that the author of the devotional came to: “My turning point came when I realized that my busyness was not the result of a scheduling problem but rather, a sin problem. Somewhere along the way, I had based my worth and identity in performing, achieving, doing and serving. Ironically, true identity is found by resting in God and being conformed to His image, not running ourselves ragged in an attempt to find it on our own.”
I have to say I have never thought that chronic busyness was a deep down sin problem. I thought it was just because I am crap at learning balance in my life, and that one day I would learn how, and then everything would be better.
But that paragraph in my devotional made me take a step back and look at my habits. What pushes me to be busy? Do I constantly check how many people visited the blog that day? YES. Do I constantly look at other blogs, and their photography, and wish that I was as good as them, and feel like I need to practice more and more and more so that I can be as amazing as them? OH YEA. Do I not want to rest because I have this weird anxiety that my husband will think I’m – dare I say it – lazy, and then he won’t think I’m a good wife? Honestly, yes.
Which is totally messed up, because he likes when we have time to spend together!
Taking a step back and looking at these things that I do daily points to one major thing: I have that desire to perform and achieve. I’ve based my identity in numbers, and comparison and “perfection.” My identity is most DEFINITELY not from resting in God.
It doesn’t just boil down to being crap at balance.
I feel like this offshoot of busyness with trying to be “the best blogger ever” also stemmed from the perfectionism that causes my eating disorder, and my current residual eating issues. I knew that the eating issues were a part of a wrong-identity problem, but I never thought that messed up part of my life affected other parts of my life.
But, it does. Every day.
Anyway. This was my realization this week, and I want to challenge you to read the same devotion and take a little reflection time. Are you the same as me, constantly giving into busyness, performing and achieving, and not truly getting God’s rest? Where are you getting your identity from? Yours may not be page views or number of twitter followers, but everyone has something that can push them into searching of their identity in the wrong place.
Obviously, I’ve got a LONG way to go…I’m not just going to suddenly rest in God overnight. But, the first step is admitting you have a problem right? J