Sunday Reflections Thirty Four

Hello from St. Louis!

I’ve been hanging out here since Wednesday, as the Hubs had his school interview on Friday (remember I asked for prayers in the last reflection?)  We don’t have any word yet, but he thinks it went well….and we will know for SURE in 2-3 weeks. AHH!

St.Louis is a cool city. Did you know they call “Panera” “St. Louis Bread” here?! SO WEIRD. We head home late tonight though!

Anyway. You didn’t come here to talk about Panera-less-Panera, you came for the REFLECTION.

So, I kinda made a big and RLY RLY scary decision in the past 2 weeks. If you’ve been following along you know I worked REALLY REALLY hard to get to my healthy goal weight, and FINALLY GOT THERE about 2 months ago. Since then, I’ve just been working at trying to figure out how to maintain that, without LOSING weight.

Which, I have been doing. BUT, still obsessively. Liike, counting calories and weighing my food and stuff.

Partially because every time I stop using my scale/counting, and try to just LISTEN to my body, I lose weight. I seriously don’t get hungry when I don’t use a scale. I am a mess.

BUT, I know that DEEP DOWN INSIDE, if I am being REALLY honest with myself, it’s also because I can then control the calories to make sure it’s PERFECT maintenance amount and not “weight gain” amount. Truth be told, I gained the weight…but I am still only at BARELY healthy weight, and my mind is still completely TERRIFIED of the possibility of gaining even half a pound.

So, I decided to, you know, GAIN 10 POUNDS.

I have been in this gain-weight-lose-weight-gain-weight-be-really-scared-to-not-say-at-that-exact-weight cycle for 4 years. 4 YEARS GUYS. Like, all of my early 20’s when I am supposed to be out having fun and not obsessively counting how much chicken I had for dinner.

It’s time to change that. It’s time to, in the words of my dad, “feel the fear, and do it anyway.”

So, I’m back to a weight gain plan. Yes, this DEFINITELY requires a scale, because it’s nearly impossible for me to gain weight without it. To gain, you need to eat when you’re full…and, I struggle to even feel hunger to begin with. BUT, I want to see why I am so scared to gain 10 lbs. What is REALLY going to happen if I do so? Will my life end? Or, MAYBE, I will actually LIKE how I look?

Maybe my mind will be healthier and free-er to ditch that scale.

Maybe this challenge is what I need to really dig deep in my faith, rely on Jesus during the really scary hard time (since my 10 lb goal weight is not a weight I’ve seen on the scale in 4 years) and let Him show His power and perfection through my weakness.

I want to be able to one day right one of these Sunday reflections and end it by confidently saying “I. Am. Free.”

That seriously just gave me tingles to write.

Anyway. Are you ready for some AHHHHHH, I AM AFRAID reflections? Healthy weight gain is a slowwwwww process (I won’t be eating Mcdonalds) so you’re gonna be walkin’ with me for AWHILE YO.

I hope you’ll stick around.

And, maybe, pray for me?

Anyway. That’s you update. Now, I must go fly!

Happy Sunday!