Do you ever find yourself mad at yourself?
Not because you did something, or said something, silly or anything. But, because you know what you want to be doing with your life…..but you just.can’t.make.it.happen?
This is where I am right now.
As you know, I’ve gained my weight back, I’m maintaining (for the most part. I did backslide a LITTLE when I had to travel a lot last month, but nothing insanely detrimental) but the mental aspect of the food issues are still there.
I was reading one of my devotionals the other day and the key verse was “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19) and I SO identify with Paul here.
I don’t want to obsessively think about calories, exercise etc all the time, because I know that I am not walking in the whole, FREE life that Jesus has for me….but, for some reason, my brain tells me that this way of life is BETTER than living out the happy and free life Jesus has for me.
HOW DOES THE DEVIL TRICK US LIKE THIS? Seriously. I don’t even get how our brains can tell us such stupid lies….and that we believe them.
It does give me comfort to know that Paul (one of the greatest apostles) struggled with the same issue though. It makes me feel less “alone” if you know what I mean. Not saying it’s an excuse to keep going on this way. But, you get it.
Then I was reading another devotional about how God doesn’t just want us to stumble along and walk through life. He wants us to FLY and SOAR and experience all the wonderful things. It made me realize that I, although I am happy for the most part, I am just stumbling through life. What would life be lack, and how much HAPPIER would I be, if I actually SOARED with Jesus?
I don’t know what that even means, or looks like.
But, then part of me is like “but what IF it’s so much better. Since you have ZERO CLUES of what life will be like if you just stop caring and know you will NEVER be “fat” (this is my fear) you have NOTHING to compare it to.”
But then scary Taylor comes back and somehow tells me that’s not true and it’s not worth trying.
HOWEVER, these thoughts (about just stopping caring and just trying to FLY for once) have been coming more frequently than usual. I am hoping this means that sometime, hopefully soon, they will actually, you know, STICK.
I realize this was kind of a rambling Sunday reflection. But, it’s just what is going on in my brain, and I thought 1. Maybe some of you can identify and won’t feel so alone with whatever your battle that you want to win but are too scared to is and 2. Maybe you have some advice for how to go from walking to flying?
I’m all ears. Has anything worked for you? It’s one of those things that is SO much easier said than done. But, I WANT TO DO IT. I want to try.
I know I just need to step out.
Anyway. See you tomorrow! Happy Sunday!