Sunday Reflections Fifty Seven

Happy Sunday friends!

Today we’re talking about giving up control. This is probably the BIGGEST thing that I struggle with.

I am a HUGE control freak, super perfectionist, everything-has-one-way-and-only-one-way-to-be-done kind of gal. My way or the HIGH WAY.

That makes me sound like a very awful person to be friends with. Which, I promise I am not. But, I definitely need to let go of the reins of my life.

WHICH IS OF COURSE EXACTLY WHAT GOD HAS TOLD ME TO DO THIS WEEK.

Ugh. Why does He always know what we need, even when we, liiike, REALLY REALLY DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT THING BECAUSE IT IS SO SCARY.

You remember a few weeks back I told you that I had finally made the decision to seek out Christian counselling to really kick my “food issues” and obsession with body images/calorie counting/eating only “healthy food” etc out the window.

That has been SO SO GREAT. So helpful and I’ve made SO many leaps and bounds mentally. I’ve gone out for dinner 5 TIMES in the past week and a bit – before I had a “one time per week” rule. I’ve also enjoyed “bad food” like the odd donut, cookie or little treat without feeling like I had to “eat less” throughout the day (even if I was hungry) to “compensate” for it.

I even let Mr. FFF take my on a food-and-adult-beverage-loaded birthday day (it’s on Thursday!) yesterday, knowing that we had ANOTHER birthday dinner this Wednesday(where a lot of food and sangria is going to be involved) followed by ALL THE FOOD Thanksgiving on Thursday.

I’ve allowed myself to be more social – which involves a lot of food – and was one of the reasons I never wanted to really be social before.

I’ve even started trying to be more in tune with my body and what it wants to eat, as opposed to what I think it needs. I’ve ditched the food scale and am SLOWLY working on breaking the calorie counting (that’s a hard one when it’s been carved into your brain for 5+ years.) I’ve even eaten DIFFERENT food and have learned that I actually really like variety outside of the same foods I used to rotate through.

So, really, I’ve been kind of feeling like a rock star.

Until I went to the doctor last week….and she told me that I need to still need to gain weight in order to be at a truly healthy weight. And I need to do it WITHOUT calorie counting or food scales, so I don’t go backwards into the progress I have made.

WAIT WHAT.

If you remember when I was previously trying to gain weight, it was all VERY calculated. I weighed/measured/counted ALL my food to make sure that it was enough to gain weight, but not TOO MUCH that I would gain weight TOO QUICKLY – because that is scary for me and could mean I am gaining too much fat. according to my brain, at least.

So, having to do all this again, but this time without counting or knowing and maybe gaining it TOO FAST?

Just when I thought I was KILLIN’ IT, God was like:

“Taylor. You’re doing great. But, you’re still VERY conscious of the food you eat. You’re still grasping onto your fleshy desires and really really reallllllly hoping that this intuitive eating thing will allow you to maintain your current weight. NOWHERE in the Bible did I say that you need to be SUPER THIN just for the sake of being thin.”

Let’s just CHANGE ALL THAT AND PUSH YOU EVEN MORE OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

I’ve tried this “weight gain to a healthy weight” thing SO many times – using the obsessive calorie counting/weighing method – and it hasn’t worked. Maybe I need to do it again, with the only “scale” that I use being the measurement of trusting in God. If that makes sense.

With all of that really long story, I basically just want prayer.

I am honestly sort of excited that I feel that God is REALLY pushing and challenging me. I haven’t felt THIS challenged in my past spells of “trying to get FULLY better beyond just existing” and I know that HE knows what I need and how much I need to be pushed. Maybe this is Him saying, this is YOUR TIME to break free Taylor. I just need you to go further than you ever have with Me. Don’t worry, I am going to be there to catch you when you fall.

But, I am obviously SUPER scared as I’ve never given up THIS MUCH control.

I’m nervous. I’m excited.

And I’m ready.